Does He Think This Is A Joke?

My brother has proven to me that he really is crazy or out of touch with reality, IMO. He told me that it is a good thing to be hurting or feeling dizzy. Why? This is his response anytime I say I don't feel good: "That just means you're healthy." I guess it's not too bad because sometimes I smile on the inside when he says it, but NEVER should I let him in on this secret. Note: Anyone who is reading this and knows him, I would appreciate it if you don't tell him about this. You may say, he can read it for himself. Trust me, he isn't the least bit interested in reading a blog, so he will not be coming to this site unless someone encourages him.

Okay, back to why I think he is crazy. He brings me pancakes and says, "Keep on eating pancakes, you're going to be sick." Actually sick wasn't the word, but I believe in the power of the tongue, so I choose not to write or repeat what he said. Anyway, we start to talk about the power of the tongue and he says that "the power of the tongue" means from God's tongue. That statement told me that "something isn't right up there."

Now don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, but he needs a little help.

Pain Is No Joke

So I haven't been feeling myself for a couple days now. This pain in my hands, legs, and back has been kicking my butt. One may ask, "How can you be hurting so much if you have no feeling in those areas?" I don't know, but I can't dismiss the fact that I'm hurting. My fingers feel like I have them balled up while simultaneously sticking them with stick or push pins. My legs and back feel like they are on fire and I keep getting these internal shocks going through my leg. The one direction I thought that I could lay and be comfortable isn't working for me anymore. Something is going on and it needs to be fixed immediately. This aching isn't going to get it.

I was once told that a man who was paralyzed told his doctor that he was hurting. The doctor replied that it was all in his head. The paralyzed man told the doctor if he was to hit him with a hammer, would that just be all in his head?

I wish a doctor or anyone would tell me that my pain is in my head.

I Am Having Sensory Overload

I know that I don't have ADHD or anything of that sort, but right about now I could be a candidate for prescription. There are TOO many things going on at once in this house. I should be used to this by now, but each time there is a house full of people I am shocked by the noise that erupts.

To start things off, someone is singing loudly, really loud. The girls are running from the front to the back. Only God knows why. Someone else hasn't been taught how to properly close a door, because every time they pass through that back door they SLAM it. Someone else decides to vacuum. Why does it take sooo long to vacuum? Oh, and not to leave KeWan out, he's crying. Guess he wants to be heard too.

My Trip to the Beauty Shop

Tuesday I went to the beauty shop to get my hair done. This trip was long overdue. I hadn't been in a minute because my beautician has been out of the shop for about a month, and I have refused to allow my mom to hotcomb my hair. Well, we get to the shop, and I get my hair washed and head to the dryer. After my hair is dried, my beautician says, "I have been wondering who you look like and I saw your grandmother and thought that's Kim without the curl." Anyone who knows me, knows how this made me feel. I won't go in detail. We quickly get off the topic of who I look like, and my niece says, "Wow, look at your hair, I like that." I'm happy she approves.

My trips to the beauty shop have improved tremendously. Maybe this is because I now like my hair. At the time of the car accident I had hair, but after surgery, a halo, and other things hair is not supposed to go through, my hair came out. I was devastated and prayed hard for my hair to return. My hair has indeed returned and I am so elated. Now if I can just get someone to style it in a way that I approve.

What Do Dreams Mean?

So it is said that everyone dreams and does so nightly, even if one doesn't remember the dream. The question was asked at http://disaboom.com/ do people with disabilities walk or ride in their dreams. It got me to thinking about my own dreams and how I was moving from one location to another. I guess mobility is not that important in my dreams. Lately I have been dreaming, but can not see below my waist, so who knows whether I'm walking or riding. Well, last night I had a kinda weird dream. In the dream I was walking, and that's fantastic and all, but the part that confused me was how I came about walking.

So here's the dream: The dream takes place in our old house in the living room. My sister and I are upset with one another and begin arguing. I have no idea why, it's no apparent in the dream. I get on the phone in hopes of ignoring her. This infuriates her and causes her to do the most unthinkable act, she gets on the other end of the phone line and tells a friend, "She's paralyzed, she's been hiding that from you!" I am so upset with her and in response I hang up the phone. She runs out the house, but get this, I'm so mad that I get up and run after her. crazy, huh? This action surprises her, but I'm slow to come to reality, so it takes a minute for it to register what has happened. Some way or another we end up in a convertible car. don't ask, I have no idea.

I don't know if dreams are subconscious or compilations of a day's events, either way in my dreams, I'm walking which is great in my book.

Family Gatherings

In addition to it being Father's Day, we had a family gathering for my grandmother's birthday. It was a great day with all the family gathered together in one place. We laughed, talked, ate, and the kids played. After all that was over here come the dreaded part; the part I HATE, taking pictures. I have never liked taking pictures, but now because of this chair, taking pictures makes my skin crawl. Pictures have the likelihood of showing up on the web and who knows what they may end up looking like. All in all, it was a good day and other than those flashing cameras and BabyBrother trying to sneak pictures, I would love to do it more often.

A Good Night’s Sleep Is Priceless

Last night was one of those nights where sleep did not come easily. Maybe from my mood or the way I laid, either way it wasn’t good for me. This morning when I awoke, I was sleepy, hungry and a disgruntled person.

It’s not good to go to sleep upset. Either you’ll sleep way too long or in my case, not long enough. This not sleeping enough did not affect my mood at church today, although I thought early on that it would. But in the end, church was okay, thanks to Bro. Johnson, and sleep waited until I got home.

Can I Get A Ride?

Family is going to the ATL. Initially I was apprehensive and wasn't sure that was a trip I wanted to take. Well, this morning I awake and my mom tells me she's no longer going as planned. I'm a little relieved, is that selfish? I hope not. Well, hours later, the sister informs me that my mom is in fact going as planned. The plans have changed again. Now get this, I DO want to go. I haven't taken a trip in a minute and I do believe that I'm long overdue for one. So, should I inform everyone that I do desire to go or just count my losses and catch the next train outta here. Either way, I just wanna get a ride to somewhere......and soon.

Just A Lil More Independence

I am almost always wishing for just a lil more independence. Being very independent to now being totally dependent can change one's perspective and may even cause you to lose your mind. Arrgh!!! I think of my dependence a lot, but it REALLY bothers me when I ask someone to do assist me and they say no or ignore me altogether. This was the case yesterday with my sister.

This is how the story goes:
My neck was cramping, tight, whatever you wanna call it, so I was trying to be independent in relieving and stretching it. I started to move my pillow from under my head, I was having a difficult time. She walks in and says, "if you take it from under there, I'm not putting it back." I explain that my neck is hurting. This doesn't faze her. I put the pillow back and she sees that I am now upset with her. She tries to amend her actions and console, but it's too late. I don't wanna hear anything she has to say.

You know, I don't understand why people can't understand how words and comments they make affect others emotions. She knows personally that I can't do a lot on my own, so why not let me do what I am able to. After she saw that I was clearly upset, she says, "I was playing." Don't play with me, you don't want me playing with you about money when you're broke.

I just wish I was able to do more for myself...just a lil bit more independence.

No Need to Feel Inadequate

I'm so thankful for my friends. My true friends are very important and whether they know it or not, are a crucial part of my life. Because yesterday was not one of my better days, I was a little down. I received a phone call shortly after writing my post yesterday, and unbeknownst to my friend of how I was feeling, she starting reading to me from a book I had given her. The topic was on not feeling inadequate. She said most people compare their lives and situations with other people and thus begin to feel inadequate, but this is not something we should do. As she was talking I began crying because I was so amazed that she had called and with no warning, in essence ministered to me and encouraged me at exactly the right moment. I thanked her for her friendship and encouragement and said God was using her to reach me. Oh, what a mighty and all-knowing God I serve.

One of Them Days

As I think about what I want to write about, Monica's song One of them Days comes to mind. It seems like the perfect title for the day I had. Nothing significant happened. I basically slept alllll day, not because I was sleepy or tired, but because I just didn't want to be awake. It seems kind of sad, and in fact, if I'm being truthful, it is sad, but that's how I felt. I don't think I'm depressed or anything, I just didn't feel like dealing with life and reality today. I think I have a right to give myself a day when I dismiss EVERYTHING and do me, as my friend would say. But all in all, it was productive in the sense that I got some much needed rest. Hey, gotta look at it half-full.

Feelings...It Is What It Is

I saw this meme on http://www.musingsofahousewife.com/musings_of_a_housewife/its_all_about_meme/index.html

I thought it was pretty cool, so I decided to complete it. Yes, I will be completing more of these in the future and updating this one.

RELUCTANT to lend someone money who is asking to borrow it.

EXCITED that I'll be teaching again in about 2 months.

WORRIED about my father's upcoming surgery.

WONDERING if I'll ever walk again?

RELIEVED to know that if I don't, I'll be okay.

CERTAIN that I'm loved.

CAUTIOUS about showing my true feelings...someone may get hurt.

HAPPY my brother will be home soon.

LOVE candy...basically all kinds.

ADORE my nephew. HE'S SO SWEET.

GRATEFUL that my family is alive and healthy.

When Trust Gets In the Way

Anyone who has ever been in a situation like mine knows that when you are totally dependent on others, sometimes trust has to fly out the window. Before the accident I was a normal young woman, but didn't trust people easily or a lot of people. Since the accident, it seems that the lack of trust has been magnified and is beginning to be an issue when it comes to my improvements. I've grown so accustomed to how my family deals with me and takes care of me, that I shudder at the thought of asking a stranger and God forbid a family member encourage a stranger to assist. No, I'm not rambling, I said that to make this point.

My ex has been trying to assist me in various areas for a couple of weeks now. This is the same ex that I did not lay eyes on once last year. The same ex that told me, not in words, but actions, that my disability was to0 much to handle. The same ex that would call me when he wanted some information. Now all of a sudden he has shown a renewed interest in my life. He is trying to get supplies for me, get me in therapy, visiting me, and doing other things.

I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, but like I told him, I don't trust him. I would hate to miss out on something great because of my feelings toward him, but I just feel that he has a motive for his interest in my well-being. If this assistance had been consistent or even his actions toward me consistent, I wouldn't need to examine his reasons for wanting to help, but since that isn't the case, oh well.

Hello, To All The World

Let me introduce you to me and my blog. I'm starting this blog to track my journey from a non-working paralyzed person, back to the classroom doing what I love, teaching. Throughout my journey I will share my thoughts and feelings, both good and bad, and see if I have indeed made the correct decision when deciding to return to the classroom. I hope to be able to objectively share experiences and on the way, touch a soul.

ENJOY and return daily and remember to comment.